Date:	2009-03-27 15:11
Subject:	closing time.
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah

I am not posting on here anymore.
I have a different account that I use nowadays.

I doubt any of you are really that interested in my life, or lack thereof, anymore, but just in case. My new username is twi_ction .

just click on the name and it will take you there.


I really don't care who friends me. Most of my posts aren't f-locked, but some are. If you're particularly bored, that's where I'll be.

that's pretty much it. friend away.

I never post on here anymore. I post on my other LJ, but not personal stuff. I'm an idiot and keep all that in. Actually, that's a lie. I talk to Marlana about it. And Jill. And Kaitlyn. And Bill.

Oh, Bill.

I saw him today for the first time in a couple weeks. He was out of town with his brother for a while. He came over and drank with me. We watched movies. The Notebook was on. I love that movie. When the movie was done he made me put my coat and boots on and dragged me outside in the freezing cold and sang the song keeper of the stars while we danced in the middle of fraser road. lmao. I slipped on the ice and we both fell down and ended up laying there for an hour until a car became very irritated with our presence and violently honked at us.

I'm a little bit worried.

I like him alot. I like him just as much as I liked Robby before we started dating. Which scares me, because it was about at that point when I realized I was falling in love with Robby.

I don't know if I'm ready for that again.

But Bill is so great.

I might end up interning for WIOG. That's kinda cool news, I guess.
Marlana is quickly becoming one of my best friends apart from Jason.

I lost alot of friends somehow. I don't exactly know what happened. I hate that, when people decide I'm not cool enough to spend time with but don't deem it necessary to explain why.
Shockingly, I'm alright with it.
I just need Jason.
Christmas break was great. It was nice to hang out with everyone again, but there was like... a solid week in which Jason and I just hung out at each others houses off and on. It was the most fun I've had in a long time... even though we really didn't do much..  I miss him alot.


the end.

I haven't been signed in on this account for... a long freaking time.



I'm not going to update everyone on every little aspect of my life since I've last been on here, so I'll just do several of the more important points.

I lost most of my friends
I made new ones
I miss Jason like none other
and I turned 18.

oh, and then..
Robby broke up with me because Kyle photoshopped pictures that made it look like I was with him while I was dating Robby
and then he came back apologizing
and now I'm seeing someone else.
but I still love Robby... which is a problem, because Bill is the perfect kind of guy that.. example: I was having a bad day so he came and picked me up and brought me out to a lighthouse with a picnic basket, complete with red and white checkered blanket. He's the kind of person who kisses you on the forehead and opens car doors for you instead of trying to molest you with his tongue.
But I still can't get over Robby.
Which is a problem.

fuck.


anyways, in other news.. I have been writing so much lately. I love it. I am one of the top ten fanfiction writers based on Twilight in the United States right now. Top 15 in the world. I might be doing an interview for a website next month. I love writing, I really do.

I'm also participating in NaNoWriMo 2008. If you don't know what that is, its basically a program that carries on through November in which participants are challenged to write a 50000 word + novel in one month. In the end, the novels of all who succeeded are submitted for rating and then publishers are free too browse through the higher rated ones.
Or so I was told.

Even if I fail, I'm still so excited about it. 

There's about 72 people in the tri-cities area who are also participating, so on Nov. 1st, I am going to a kick-off party. And then we are having write-ins at coffee houses for three hours every Wednesday.

call me lame, but I think I'm going to have a great time.

In other news. I love Jillian. She's amazing. We're going to elope and ride off into the sunset with our sunglasses to protect the retinas one day. It will be incredible. Sandy is also pretty damn awesome. As is Bill, of course, and Danielle.


that's all I got.
Megan out.

I'm so angry right now. 
next time I'm upset, I'll just hold it all in and implode, hows that? 


fuck this. 
I don't even know what to write here. 

Date:	2008-07-27 12:11
Subject:	It's been a while..
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky

I've been writing alot lately. 
Writing, and singing. 
It's nice, I guess. 

Last night I ate supper with Robby's entire family. It was embarassing. Especially when his mom got drunk and asked me if her son was good in bed in front of the entire family. 
and by entire family, I mean aunts, uncles, grandma, grandpa, and alot of small children. 
I don't think I have ever blushed harder in my entire life
Robby thinks it's funny. It's not. 

I told Jason all of this yesterday
I miss him. 
I don't like it here as much as other people seem to. I want Robby back, and Ryan, and Jason. I want my friends back. I want to have a reason to wake up in the morning. 

I need a job. 
Delta can suck it. 
I'm tired of being looked down on. I'm tired of people thinking that they are better than me. Even though it might be true, they don't need to rub it in. It doesn't help. 

I'm not going to post on this very often anymore. It's not worth it. Nobody reads. I spend my time writing things that people actually look forward to reading. The people I love don't do much to make me feel wanted anymore, so I rely on complete strangers who happen to like my writing style. 

I think I'm moving to California
and when I get out of here
I wont be coming back. 
I'm done with this environment. 
no one will miss me anyways. 
I'll keep in touch with a certain few... and by that I mean, one or two. 
but other than that, I'll cut the ties I think. 

I don't know. 
maybe it's all just wishful thinking. 
maybe I'm just being a whine ass. 
even if that is true, I deserve to complain every now and then. 
God knows I listen to every other person in this god forsaken town bitch and moan and complain
even though no one will listen when I feel its my turn (except rob and jason), I still have to put it somewhere
so there it is 

don't yell at me 
it's how I feel
if there's something you don't agree with
change my mind
alter my opinion
make me want to stay

hah, yeah right. good luck with that. 

i'm done.

Date:	2008-04-07 18:19
Subject:	weirdly enough
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved

I am actually posting a poem that I did NOT write. 
Robby wrote this for me...
and he left it in an envelope on my refrigerator
I found it when I got home today
and it made me cry. 

i think he's full of shit, but its a really pretty poem. 
:)

The stars on fire, the moon so bright
my life's complete with you here tonight

I kiss your hair, your neck, your lips
& feel your pulse with my fingertips

your face so calm, deep, and serene
truely completes this beautiful scene

you brighten my world with hope for tomorrow
and erase every trace of my own pain and sorrow

I feel your warmth, fused with mine
as our bodies like puzzles align

rendered speechless, I can't say a word
my breathlessness would sound absurd

so much I long to say and hear
but speech is lost when your so near

the way you take my breath away
puts to shame the light of day

you move in closer and say in my ear
those three words I love to hear

those words are my pulse, my reason to live
a more valued gift you could not give

my heart skips a beat as I return your gaze
and I reply with the same exact phrase

your smile is a sign that you know its true
that I'm irrevocably in love with you

safely in my arms you give up the fight
and slowly succumb to the darkness of night

I survey your features, your beauty so deep
& I slow down my heart as I sing you to sleep. 

"Goodnight, my angel
Time to close your eyes
And save these questions for another day
I think I know what you've been asking me
I think you know what I've been trying to say
I promised I would never leave you
And you should always know
Wherever you may go
No matter where you are
I never will be far away

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to sleep
And still so many things I want to say
Remember all the songs you sang for me
WHen we went sailing on an emerald bay
ANd like a boat out on the ocean
I'm rocking you to sleep
THe water's dark
And deep inside this ancient heart
You'll always be a part of me

Goodnight, my angel
Now it's time to dream
And dream how wonderful your life will be
Someday your child may cry
And if you sing this lullabye
Then in your heart
There will always be a part of me

Someday we'll all be gone
But lullabyes go on and on...
They never die
That's how you
And I
Will be
 "




he wrote all of that out for me...
it makes me so sad.. because I don't deserve him. 

Date:	2008-03-31 10:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	thirsty

 day 3
and I'm still having a great time. 
its  Jason's fault
& damnit 
my S key fell off in the room somewhere. 
so now I am lacking an S key, a Z key, and an O key.
as I sit here in Starbucks
and I am suddenly displeased with all of the words with an S in them. 

no one's on aim
it smells like coffee. 
I like it. 

I'm tired. 
idk 

I feel contemplative and thoughtful
maybe I'll write a poem. 

gosh I'm tired. 

I just wrote a poem and deleted it 
it was lame. 

I can't think of anything to write a poem about
and I really want to write right now. 
so I am just going to start writing a long paragraph about what's on my mind and maybe I will come up with a topic to write about in a pretty way. 
:)


 So lets see.. whats on my mind lately. 
I'm not sure. 
Jason's been on my mind alot... but he's always there. He never leaves. Robby's been in there alot too lately. 
I spent a great night with him before I left. He sang me to sleep. He sang me my song - Goodnight My Angel - Billy Joel. I listened to that last night before Jason and I went to bed. It made me feel bad. Robby is at home for a week. The last week I could see him in a very long time... but I'm here. And its worth it  Because I miss Jason. And he got an internship with Hillary Clinton campaign group in DC over the summer. So I wont get to see him hardly at all. I can't even think about that. I miss him so much. I don't want to leave. I am having a great time with him.... and when I leave... it will be for a longer time. But I am so proud of him. He is so amazing and successful and motivated and even though he makes me feel so inadequate and incompetent. He has so much damn potential. & this is such an amazing oppertunity for him.. he is crazy excited... and I am excited for him. 
Megan needs to stop on that topic now. 
so lets see.
I fail at this poem shit. 

I'm going to grab some starbucks.
but idk what. 
hang on...

I check online website =]
even though the counter is directly behind me. 
a vanilla bean creme frappuchino sounds rather delectable. 
Ima get me some and then sit here and re-read my book. 
Sam -  READ THE TWILIGHT SERIES!
they're amazing. 
:)
I promise. 

I 'm having a great time in Marquette
and I've only been here for one night. 

sure I might not have gotten to sleep until 4:30 this morning
and then got the blankets stolen from me... punched in the face.... and then forcibly pushed out of the bed by Jason
but waking up with my best friend next to me was entirely worth all that plus the 6 hour drive. 

I really am enjoying myself. 
I'm meeting alot of cool people
and spending time with the most important person in my life
and another one of the greatest friends I've ever had for the next week. 

nothing can top this. 

even though I know Robby is at home... this still beats that. 
is that bad?

& Sam.... your not very nice when your drunk. That is my observation of last night. 
and even though you 'don't like me anymore'.. I'm still real glad I got to see you. I missed you quite a substantial amount 

kay. its 11 AM and Jason's alarm clock is going off
:D

later.. 



note to self:
seeing as limewire is inoperable off of NMU's internet...
download the following songs when you get home. 

Goodbye my Lover - James Blunt
I want you to want me - Bowling for Soup
ocean man - ween. 
indian summer - maplewood. 
do you realize - postal service.  
song of the siren - this mortal coil
cutout - the shocking pinks.  
deceptacon - le tigre.   
never win - fischerspooner.  
titanic vandalism - the go! team

& I think thats all for now. 
I'll add to the list. 

Date:	2008-03-29 09:27
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited

goodbye. 

I'm leaving. 

I don't know when I'll get back on. 

I'll be in Marquette with Sam and Jason for the next week or more.

I win. 
you lose. 

cuz your probably stuck in pinconning

HAH. 
I hate that place. 

I'm out.

Date:	2008-03-25 20:29
Subject:	^@^&*$#!@$(^%&$%#
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy

in this world
theres something wrong
it seems that now
love doesn't belong

we're all broken
in some way or form
it seems that wrong
is the new norm

though you have eyes
doesn't mean you see
all the pain
and treachery

though you have ears
doesn't mean you hear
all the screams
and cries of fear

though you have an opinion
does not mean a thing
if your not educated
on the facts that you bring

and though you may 
have heard the news
does not mean 
its gotten through, 

though it may be
that we're all broken
it doesn't make up
for the ignorance spoken

what can be done
to aid the population
and lead human life
away from damnation?

to fix what is broken
and right all the wrongs
to take out the negative
and put back what belongs

it is still possible
though hard to believe
for what stupidity causes
intellegence can relieve

replace the hypocracy
with genuine concern
trade in the anger
for peace in return

get rid of conspiracies
and stupid contradictions
practice what you preach
and don't share your convictions

start to value love 
as more than conversation
and realize its meaning
as the reason for creation

realize your wrong
and respect what you know is right
avoid petty drama
and don't be the cause of a fight

accept the facts
the world isn't fair
and many people
just don't care

be the rebel
stand up, stand out
make them listen
scream and shout. 

war kills
peace heals
words speak
hearts feel

don't use your faults
as a crutch or excuse
put your abilities
to better use


thats all I got. 
I haven't felt enough emotion to write in a long time. 
I haven't felt enough emotion to cry in a long time either 

I'm indifferent to life. 
I hate it here
and my future is of little importance right now. 
I lack any motivation. 

whatever. 

screw this. 

I miss Sam.

Date:	2008-02-26 21:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm

I got accepted into Ferris today
I'm excited dude. 
hardcore. 

& Sam and Jason are coming home Thursday night
I'm excited
I need them here. 

Sam and I are going to see Ashley Deweeeeeese @ FSU Sturday night
Ashley is already trying to find us a party to go to
I love Dashley 
I miss her

Angie is due any day now. 
I'm psyched
I get to be an aunt for the 11th and 12th times
and a godmother for the first time. 

:D


mmm. so thats my news. 

I hate Pinconning
I hate it I hate it I hate it. 

I miss my best friend. 
I can't wait for graduation. 

:)

Date:	2008-02-25 18:55
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cynical

 alright
thats it. 
I'm done.....

I CAN WRITE WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT TO IN MY LIVEJOURNAL

If your pissed off because I don't trust you, then don't bitch to me about it! Its no ones fault but your own. Your the only one who can convince me that I can trust you and by bitching at me about it, your not helping yourself.  I am so sick and tired of people reading my livejournals... and even though they can tell that I am upset and having a bad week, they decide to make it worse by yelling at me. 

stop it
please. 

ya know what, no...
you don't have to stop. 
I will.

happy?
I will not even write in my LJ about how I feel anymore. 
I'll keep it inside until I go crazy or get all nutso suicidal
would that make it better? would you feel better then?
fine. I'm done. 
you win. 


go away

Date:	2008-02-25 08:39
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	numb

 I am not right lately. 
I am letting everything get to me and effect me

I drink too much
I swear too much
and I cry too much

but I don't know how to fix any of it. 

I don't drink a ton.. like... a bottle of wine or two a week or every two weeks... but its still more than I should
I swear alot.. theres no denying it. Its habit now, Bad words make my emotions visible when nothing else can
and I cry alot. I'm afraid that I'm becoming depressed again. Actually, I'm quite sure that I am. 

I have no one to talk to about any of this. They all either hate me, or are too busy to talk to me. I don't blame them.... if I were them I would probably not have time for me either. I think I have become one of those annoying people who complains too much. 
So I just don't share hardly anything with anyone anymore. I only trust one person and their life is stressful enough without my bitching to them. I trust Sam too. But I still don't tell her alot. She has problems of her own. It might be unhealthy to keep it inside, but I have no one to listen, so I have no other choice. 

My sister called and bitched me out this morning.  Now that Mr. K has fucked himself and is now kicking people out of the play left and right he is having reauditions for parts and he will be casting little kids this time. So she bitched at me about being so selfish that I wouldn't go to auditions again even though my niece was trying out. She yelled at me because she was in the same situation before and she didn't get the part she wanted and blah blah blah.... it turned out great in the end. 

NO! Its not the same. 
I would be COMPLETELY selfish if I quit the play just because I wasn't good enough for the part. Thats not it. The fact is that he didn't let me audition. I practiced for three months for that part but he still automatically assumes that the cute little blonde is better than me. And then when I quit he made me out to be the bad person. NO! Everyone else got to audition but me and NO ONE practiced as hard as I had. Its not fair to me. Lifes not fair, I know, but thats absolutely ridiculous! 
If I were to go re audition, I would be miserable. I would get a low part, and Craig and Brittany Shute and Jenece are all gone. I would be all alone and not enjoying myself. I feel bad that K is letting kids audition NOW after I quit, but what am I supposed to do?
I have never gotten the lead part. Thats one difference between Tera and I. I have spent my whole life in the chorus but she had PLENTY of lead roles. She has no problem telling me to take the  smaller part, but she doesn't realize that I have "settled for the smaller part" my whole life. I wont do it on my senior year. 
Not to mention that the play is going to be a complete failure. Sorry guys, but he started way too late, he wont use microphones, he has minimal parental support now that Caig, Brittany, and myself aren't in it.... he is treating the kids like they are paid professional actors when he needs to realize that they are in high school and not getting paid for it. 
PLUS, If Tyler doesn't get his grades up they can't even perform with him in it. So what then?
I never thought I would miss Mrs. Stierle as much as I do. And I never thought I would consider Seussical as my favorite play, but I do. It was fun. And I didn't realize how good things were until Mrs. Stierle was gone. I appreciate her much more now than I did then and it really sucks that my drama career is ending here. 
I feel like shit but its not Tera's decision right? I feel like I'm doing the right thing and its my life, not hers. I was never cut out for theatre the way she is anyways. Apparently I suck at everything. 

wow, this turned into something very long. The last stretch of it though I tried my hardest not to swear. I must have backspaced a swear word out of it at least 40 times... thats bad... 40 times dude. Wow. 

alright.. I am done. it is 9 o clock and I am tired. Back to bed. 

 

Date:	2008-02-24 13:15
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable

Thank You

to everyone who has ever put up with my bullshit

to everyone who has ever talked shit about me behind my back

to everyone who has ever lied to me to make me feel better

to everyone who has ever did me wrong

to everyone who has ever been a friend

to everyone who has hurt me

to everyone who has lied to me

to everyone who helped to put me in the mental state that I currently find myself in. 

something is wrong with me. 
& I know that. 
Its something that can't be fixed
I'm broken. 
I'm scared
and I'm very much alone. 

so to every one who pretends to give a shit enough to read this
thank you. 
but you have more potential in a life that doesn't involve me, I'm sure 
so why bother trying. 

leave me alone. 
my problems will work themselves out soon. 
for better or for worse.

I might write a poem now.
and then I'm done writing in this
for a long time
if not forever. 

 I wrote love on my arms today
and at least 50 other girls arms too. 

did you?

I have taken my livejournal to the private level

I write personal stuff in here
and alot of people don't need to read it

so all of my old entries are now private
you have to be listed as my friend to read them. 

so if you want to, add me as a friend... or messge me on here or myspace or something and let me know that you want me to add you, 

xoxox -Megan